It’s been exactly one year since November 15, 2012.
Wow. That was so easy to type.
Seriously, Sar, just do it.
Okay. Courage. Inhale. Exhale.
I’ts been exactly one year since my first heartbreak.
I say “legit” not because of all the tears that no amount of tissue would have ever absorbed, or the sudden incapability to devour even the most scrumptious cheesecake set before you by your best friends.
I say “legit” because I lost myself.
The free online dictionary defines “heartbreak” as
“Overwhelming sorrow, grief, or disappointment.”
while the urban dictionary defines it as
“The absolute worst feeling in the entire world.”
Though I agree with both, my definition of heartbreak is: an earthquake + tsunami + volcanic eruption + everything destructive to my identity.
No one prepared me for this. I’ve heard about heartbreak in songs and seen people cry but I never knew how it could shake you so much that you’d forget who you are.
Guy pursues me for about two years. He says I am worth the wait so he’d wait. He goes as far as talking to my dad about it. Obviously, he was serious. He lays all his cards down. Yes, he was going to pursue me til marriage and even after that.
During those 2 years though, I realized I wasn’t able to focus on the things that I needed to be excelling in so at the end of the second year, I asked for space and time for me to focus on God.
He agreed and then after a month, he tried to pursue me again. Being, “in love” with him, I let him.
August last year, I decided I REALLY wanted to focus on studies and God so I cut it off and it was for real. We didn’t communicate for about 2 months. I didn’t know what the protocol was for birthdays though, so I decided I’d greet him on his birthday. After that greeting, it was like he was pursuing me again- but this time he’d be texting another girl. It wasn’t like him at all, but I loved him and trusted him.
After 10 days of lunch with me and night jogging with her, I just couldn’t ignore the facts so I asked him about this girl. He said she was just a friend and that he loved me and only me. So much reassurance. But because I just couldn’t put together what he was saying and what was happening, I decided to just tell him to leave me alone.
And he did.
2 weeks later, I found out that he was pursuing the night jogger girl.
One of the first questions I asked myself while my whole world was shaking was “Is this real?” “Am I real?” I’d look at my hands wondering if they were real and try to trip on my feet and then sit down on a chair so I could concentrate on listening to my breathing pattern wondering if anything, anything at all, was real.
That night I vomited till I had nothing to vomit. I had lost all appetite for anything. I locked myself in the room and that was probably the worst part.
I was alone.
So many thoughts filled my mind about how I was so ugly and how if my best friend could leave me just like that, no one else was ever gonna love me. I was convinced that nothing anyone could ever say to me would make me feel better. No one else was going through what I was going through.
I was alone and hopeless and helpless.
Except I wasn’t.
Somehow something in me fought to be recognized and by some divine power, I remembered the Holy Spirit. I wept. I was embarrassed and ashamed. How did I forget God?
“God, I have no idea who I am anymore. I know it’s the end of something but if I am to begin again, I have no idea how or where. I don’t know who I am. I just didn’t think this could happen to me. God. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to read the Bible anymore. I don’t know where to go, God.”
And I just felt the Spirit speak “Start where you ended.”
The last chapter I remember reading was John 15.
But I already know this chapter. I know it so well. It’s about the vine and the branches. It’s not about love or how to be healed from being brokenhearted. How in the world is this supposed to help me.
“Just start where you ended.”
So I did. And like writing this blog, it took a lot of courage- to start.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine dresser.
Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away,
.. And at this point I just started crying. We weren’t bearing fruit. God took us apart cause we weren’t good for each other. I wasn’t able to do the things I know I was supposed to do, and the guy was probably not fruitful either. I just meditated on this verse for like 30mins and just kept on crying. But then I started to ask again “God, why is it painful? Can you just take him away and let it be easy for me? I get that he’s not for me, but can I just like, not feel this pain??” Then I read on..
and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.
Wow. What a conversation. I was just so in awe and tears just streamed down my face. “God, You’re pruning me. It’s painful cause You’re pruning me. So this pain is for my good? God how can You be so good?” Then I remembered Proverbs 17: 3
Fire tests the purity of silver and gold, but the LORD tests the heart.
“This is for me? This is for purification? This is so I could grow in character and maturity and bear even more fruit?”
And suddenly it was like I was face to face with God and he took out my heart and examined it right in front of me. It was like he was pulling out black strings that were suffocating my heart.
“You’re in pain because you’re proud. (pull out a string) You’re in pain because you’re insecure. (pull out another string) You’re in pain because you put all your hope and security in a guy who is human and would have never been able to love you the way you want to be loved. But you can trust Me. I will heal you and the only brokenness you’ll experience with me is the brokenness of wonder and awe. I will love you and secure you. Did you not know that it was when you were ugliest that I loved you? (Romans 5:8) But my love will never leave you in that state, it is a love that transforms.”
I had absolutely no idea that I had all these issues but I was so glad God showed me. And He also showed me who I was and how He did not reject me. I was now hungry for more. I read through John 15 again and came to verse 9.
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.
“Is it so hard, Sar? Is it so hard to abide in My love? What I am asking is not for you to abide in my wrath but for you to abide in my love.”
Yes, I was STILL crying. “No, God. It’s not hard. I was foolish to find security in anywhere else but in your presence. I will abide. How do I abide?”
If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. (John 15:9-11)
“Yes, God. I’m ready. I’m ready to obey and keep your commandments!” I was so encouraged and so excited I felt life come back into my veins. Purpose and hope started to fill my eyes again! Then I read the next verse.
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”
Wait lang, Lord.
Umm. I’m sorry but I can’t. I can’t love him. After everything, it’s gonna take a while just to forgive. But what You’re telling me to do is to LOVE? Hah! Ya right. Nope. No can do. Sorry. Ktnxbye!” I tried shutting myself off from the conversation then He asked
“Oh… Oh, so we’re going to talk about this?” I sat upright and and started making all sorts of wild hand and arm gestures.
“Number 1. NONE of his promises, NOT ONE of his promises, saw the light of day. Obviously, we never got married. He couldn’t even wait for me!! There are a bajillion promises that I can recount that did NOT happen but it would be too long and painful to bring up.
Number 2. He left me, God. He left me.
He left me just like that and exchanged me for someone else like I was an old bag and I didn’t go with his new clothes. No, he broke me like a glass and left me then got another glass.
He left me God. He exchanged me just like that. Just like that.”
I wasn’t crying. I was angry and dumbfounded. I still couldn’t believe it was true.
Then it got quiet. And I was thinking maybe God understood why I couldn’t do what He commanded. Maybe he was quiet cause I made a great case.
Then He spoke.
“Ikaw. Isang beses ka lang pinagpalit.
Ako, ilang beses mo na ba ako pinagpalit?”
(You were traded for someone else only once.
But how many times have you traded me off for someone/something else?)
I was broken. I knew I didn’t deserve my bed or any kind of comfort so I planked on the floor. I was sobbing and disarmed, humbled and emptied. He spoke not in anger, He spoke in gentleness. Yet it was this gentleness that broke me. He was right. The only brokenness I could experience from Him was wonder, awe, and gratitude.
I had traded God for so many things before, including this guy, and yet God never left my side.
Even when I wasn’t faithful, God was faithful. And that’s the kind of relationship I knew I couldn’t live with out. God then became my security and my identity. Because He is a God who can not be shaken, my identity will not be shaken.
How could someone who’s been loved so much, withhold love? How could someone who’s been forgiven much, withhold forgiveness?
It wasn’t just logical or right, it was real. I COULD forgive. I COULD love. I realized that I didn’t have to carry bitterness and that I could be free from all hatred and insecurity if I chose to love. And so, by God’s grace and mercy, I chose to love. Healing came upon me like a tsunami. Of course it wasn’t easy with the memories and emotional investment, but God is really more than enough. He restores and redeems.
It’s been a year since I’ve been in that state of brokenness but what I really want to celebrate is a year of God’s faithfulness. 🙂 I’ve grown so much in His love and I am still in this journey of living out my single life to the full until God brings in the right person for me, who is also secure in God’s love.
I don’t know where you’re at or if you’ve even reached this part of my blog (whoops, it’s kinda long) but I just want to encourage you to find yourself in God. He’s your creator, your father, your redeemer, your savior, and even the lover of your soul. He is real and He wants to have a conversation with you. Read the Bible. It may be hard to start, but you wont regret it at all. 🙂
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.